As of the beautiful paradise of the first glimpse in Tiruvanamali, India in 2010 and the following awakening honeymoon in Mexico in 2011 old worldview has been foundationless and collapsing gradually but indefinitely – some beliefs were freed instantly, some more grasping needed some seeing while being relived, experienced.
The initial revelation of the magnificent absence of the separate me and the cessation of motion in time was and is essential for Life to silently and ruthlessly embrace to dissolve any remaining emotions and the separative ideas behind them. Gradually this dying out process becomes more subtle and spared out, as less and less mental/emotional concepts can grasp or allure our attention… but with that, the whole worldview through the indifference of awareness becomes dryer and dryer and something sincerely feels missing. Somehow with all the inner quietness and peace of simply being uninterruptedly aware – the juiciness of Life is missing… care, love is missing… not that its not here, but it is not what is primarily experienced – Shiva is not complete without his beloved Shakti and all there is now experientially is Shiva with an occasional Kali revisiting to delete some old dysfunctional software.
Although it feels as the most dry and wintery period, within the somewhat lifeless worldview of undiscriminating awareness it is impossible to deny, the beauty and the much slower pace of Life’s enfoldment in its own perfect timing.
Reflecting back on these nine lunar cycles most valuable and beautiful information has become available during this period; the depth and the connection to Mother energy and all that implies to welcome wisely and gently a new life to this world. Silently and spontaneously new conscious ways of conceiving, gestating, birthing, nursing, guiding and parenting emerged and disappeared only to be rediscovered experientially afresh in the needed appropriate moment.
Most gentle way of giving birth has organized itself with all the little details that were needed to be attended – the most wonderful caring doula/midwife had appeared in the right moment providing loving care and support. One day hearing about the ways I wished to deal with the placenta after birth she recommended to read an amazing book by Robin Lim a midwife from Bali – “Placenta the forgotten chakra” which I bought online and devoured in the next few days. Robin Lim or Ibu Robin (Mother Robin) became in my perception an ideal expression of Mother energy in action. A great respect, love and gratitude are so vividly alive within my experience to her mission and loving care.
Not asking for anything and living in the moment the Unknown unfolds in most magical ways! Spontaneously all the way from Bali, Ibu Robin is here in Montreal for a full week around my due date. My wonderful midwife Rivka, Robin’s host has assured that if the universe collides the dates than Mother Robin will be at our homebirth to gently receive our new bundle of love into this world. No expectations but only gratitude for even a slightest chance of such possibility. Apart from birth, it would be a great pleasure to meet her in person.
As of physically, all the nine cycles were unbelievably smooth and easy; no difficulty symptoms, no pains, no vomiting, no heaviness, no dizziness, no swelling – by large I would attribute it to the mostly living food diet that has been enjoyed here for the last 4 years… never the less there were definitely some cravings in the first two months and the last month, for heavier warmer foods, considering that it is winter here in Montreal. These cravings were satisfied by cooked quinoa, buckwheat, backed sweet potatoes and butternut squash, backed eggplant, dhal soup, whole wheat crackers and very occasional cheese all of which were fully allowed and enjoyed when called for.
So different it is to experience pregnancy without the pull to project into the future, being pregnant with my son 16 years ago all that I was occupied with is mental projections, which eventually had nothing to do with realty anyway. Where is now willingly it is impossible to imagine anything and what for, everything is so much more beautiful when Life unfolds in its own freshly magical ways. So no names yet, no gender, only the direct perception of movements in the belly, hunger in the stomach and the humming of the fridge.